Realize

[anaxzandra corinne house]

But I can't spell it out for you,
No, it's never gonna be that simple
No, I can't spell it out for you...

» Xzandr never liked museums. History, in general, did not interest her one bit. Of course, the history of medicine and its advances were of interest. Ask her anything in the history of medicine, and she could tell you, right down to the exact known date. To her, it was useful and, yes, interesting to know that surgeries didn't always use anesthesia, or that doctors didn't used to wash their hands between patients, and didn't even use gloves, or sterilize instruments. However, knowing the preamble to the constitution, or knowing which amendment allowed for the use of alcohol, or what date Abraham Lincoln was assassinated- they were all useless to her. When was the last time she was called on to use any of that? Besides, it was history, over and done with. Someone once made the mistake of saying to her, "Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it." So what if she didn't remember the exact death toll of the bomb on Hiroshima, or how many people in Roswell died or got seriously ill? She- thank God, or whatever deity you so choose- was not part of Congress, and therefore was not doomed to repeat the past, as she was not under any sort of authority to order such a thing to happen (otherwise, Switzerland would be a giant crate at the moment.) On top of that, she didn't at all care for art. Sure, maybe a particularly perverted-looking statue could provide her a couple minutes of amusement as she made penis (or vajayjay, or boob) jokes to herself, but other than that, she wouldn't give a painting or sculpture a second glance (or even a first glance if she could help it.) In fact, if she had had the chance, the idiot who chose the place for this particular event would have gotten an earful.

» Of course, nobody asked Xzandr- they didn't dare- and so the medical conference was held in the auditorium at the McKinley Museum. She wasn't even given a choice of whether or not to attend. Apparently, the Dean of Medicine was fed-up with Xzandr constantly using her incessant vomiting to get out of clinic duty, and told her that she would just have to swallow it, because if she didn't stay for the entire conference, she would get stuck with even more clinic duty, which would only serve to make her want to kill herself. Fed up with deal-making- and because she had to piss really bad and wasn't going to be allowed to exit the room until she agreed. The worst part? She was threatened into being at least semi-formal.

» After dealing with an hour of some ancient guy rambling on about advances in gene research- finding genes that cause things like Achondroplasia, and other stuff- the group was released for a short break. Xzandr had no idea who all was there- she hadn't bothered to look around, being all caught up in doodling things that really weren't scholarly, and it wasn't like she went around asking other doctors who all would be going- but was pretty sure the museum was only open to them. She immediately stood up, smoothing down her black slacks, and headed toward the door. She had to piss- badly. It didn't help her at all that, even without the extra weight, she was unsteady, but she had to deal with that hell spawn, and guess what?- no cane! She'd left it in her office before leaving, figuring that nobody would believe she wasn't doing drugs if sh still depended on it. Luckily, the somewhat-loose blue shirt she was wearing clearly showed her four-month belly, and people were a little bit more yielding to her, unlike with most people that they were cutting in front of. She managed to get through the auditorium doors fairly quickly, immediately locating the nearest bathroom. Unfortunately, it was a small one-person bathroom, and from the locked door, it was obviously ocupado. With a groan, she started pounding on the door. "Hurry the fuck up!" she shouted into it, drawing more than a few glances from bystanders. "There is a demon swimming around in my pelvis that's making me piss like fucking Seabiscuit!" Sure, people were supposed to be quiet in a museum, but since when did Xzandr care about what she was supposed to do?

» Luckily for her, the person in the bathroom came out just before she was going to explode. She rushed in, locking the door behind her, and exited a short while later, having taken care of what she needed to. She went over to a nearby bench and sat down, silently watching the other doctors milling about, waiting for notice that the break was over. Secretly, she wanted to know if Ryan was there, but... wasn't sure if she wanted him to be. Their last encounter was a long-ass time ago, and ended with him running out of her office like a bat out of hell. She hadn't spoken to him since- she'd seen him a couple times in the hall, but never made eye contact, and hadn't spoken to him- and wasn't sure she ever wanted to again. She wouldn't tell him to his face, but it stung a little when he left. He just walked out- because she said she'd never said it was his kid. Damn it, Ryan wasn't retarded. He should have been able to see through and call her on that... But he hadn't. She wasn't sure if it was because he was a deadbeat or simply happy to have an excuse to be away from her... but either way, it had hurt a bit when he walked out. Sitting with her back against the wall, Xzandr sighed and closed her eyes, tilting her head back. She needed all the silent preparation she could get before having to sit through another several hours- with breaks, of course, but still!- of some old guy rambling on.

Especially for Ryan. <3

[ry]

Arms crossed in front of his chest as he slumped moodily in the back of the room, near the door, a stony expression settled on his face. This was the very last place he wished to be at this moment and he could think of about eighty different things he’d rather be doing, including finishing the massive pile of paperwork that was accumulating atop his desk back at the hospital. Ry didn’t normally attend the semi-regular conferences the Dean of Medicine organized, but somehow he’d been at the wrong place at the right time and had been roped into attending. Honestly, he tried about twenty different excuses and thought about blowing it off, until he got home the previous night and there was a call from the nurses station telling him he had tomorrow off and that the event was semi-formal. The nurse’s station never called him, so he figured it was a sign that his appearance might be a bit mandatory (it wasn’t his fault the MRI had broke when he had a patient in it, but apparently his soul was the Dean’s until the man was satisfied). Ryan had never been to the museum before this, and from the brief glimpses he’d caught on the way in, he wasn’t missing much. Sure, history was interesting but nothing that could hold his attention for longer than five-minute intervals, much like the man who was currently blathering up at the podium. Ry’d currently taken to counting the ceiling tiles to save himself from committing suicide in a rash act of boredom. He loved medicine, truly, he did, but he just couldn’t convince himself to really care what they were talking about, whether it be gene therapy or some other things that were in no way connected to his specialty. What annoyed him the most was the fact he’d been forced to reschedule all of his appointments for the day, some of which had been waiting months to come it.

A tie hung loosely around his neck, black in color that matched neatly to the ebony of his shirt, the sleeves of which were rolled up. He’d honestly attempted to look well kept for the first ten minutes, but it was sweltering in the auditorium and he’d be damned if he were getting sweat stains on his dry clean only clothes. Olive gaze tracked loosely across the ceiling, even as the doctor next to him cast him a disapproving look, as if he took it as a personal offence that Ry wasn’t exactly riveted. After Ry continued to stare at the ceiling, the man gave a little hum of reproach and made a point of turning to stare reverently up to the man at the podium. Ry was overcome with the sudden urge to tell the man to fuck off, but he kept his mouth in check as his attention wandered once again.

He could have almost yelled with relief when they were finally given a break, and without wasting any time, Ry was up and out of his seat and coasting down the hallways, away from the stuffy group of colleagues. He didn’t really know any of them, save for a few names, and those he’d consulted with briefly over patients, but no one he’d have much interest in talking to. And none of them seemed intent on coming over to converse with him, so for the time being, he was completely safe in wandering the halls undisturbed. There had to be something interesting to look at, in a place this big. He clung to this idea as he strolled down the hallway, but as he passed each exhibit, his hope dimmed, as each was just as boring as the last. A low sigh left his lips as he dipped past a clump of people, stealing away into a section that didn’t seem to hold much of anything. Perhaps he could just hide out here for a bit until they recalled him to hell. He realized that he was hungry, if the ache in his stomach was anything to go by. He wasn’t a breakfast person, and he’d just ran out the door pretty much directly after getting dressed. He cursed himself silently, but vowed to stop by Starbucks afterward to make up for the hellish waste of his day. After pacing the room a few times, he began to realize that there was no way he could keep from going insane with boredom if he kept this up. Resignation painted across his furrowed brows, he stepped from his sanctuary and slipped back into the crowd of people, contenting himself with people watching for the moment.

The only flaw with his plan to stop boredom was that every single person in attendance was completely and utterly boring. They were all bland, their conversations superficial and filled with the discussions on things they’d just spent hours hearing about. He knew he was looking for someone, he could tell by the way he couldn’t keep his eyes still, but he didn’t want to admit to himself exactly who he was looking for. He hadn’t talked to her for months, and each day hole in his heart was growing bigger, not necessary because he was deeply and utterly in love with her, but because he felt so incredibly guilty. That was the most cowardly thing he could have done, running out on her like that just because she made a half ass attempt to convince him the kid wasn’t his. No, Ry knew better than that, but at the time, his mind had latched onto that like a life raft and wouldn’t let it go. He couldn’t be a father, so he forced himself to believe what she said was true. Besides, it wasn’t as if they were exclusive, he’d never told her that she couldn’t fuck anyone else, and why should he have? Still, he couldn’t help but know, deep down, somewhere, that she’d been lying. He was just too scared to acknowledge that. He swallowed heavily when his gaze locked onto her, almost as if his thoughts had led him to her. He frowned and swallowed again. “No cane today?” he asked as he approached, his nonchalant attempt at trivial conversation falling flat at the nervousness that seeped into his voice.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» Xzandr wasn’t the most mature person in the world. She knew it, Ryan should have known it, and just about anyone who had ever encountered her knew it. If given a piece of clay, she was likely to make it into a penis or something just as juvenile. If given the perfect setup for a “that’s what he said” joke, she would say just that, no matter who was present- could be a street bum or the Dean of Medicine or the President, she would still say it, because no matter what anyone else said, it was funny to her. If she was amusing herself, it was a good time. Likewise, someone asking her a question that she perceived as dumb, no matter who was asking it, she had to answer it in the most sarcastic way possible- or, more likely, with whatever popped into her perverse mind first. Most people, when with someone they ought to be showing respect to, or at least not acting like a child around, can suppress the urge to say things, but Xzandr… well, she lacked that little voice in her head telling her that the first thing that popped in was dumb and shouldn’t be said aloud. ”No,” she said, not bothering to move, except, obviously, her jaw. ”No, it’s here. You just can’t see it because of its magical properties. It’s like the entrance to Hogwarts- you can only see it if you know what to look for.” She paused for a long moment, unsure what she should say to him…

» Honestly, she was pissed. But then again, she was always pissed about something. But this was different- this wasn’t some arbitrary ‘Oh I hate the world, I think I’ll just take it out on the first person that crosses my path’ type of pissed; it was the ‘He’s an asshole and I want to stab him through the testicles’ type of pissed. Still, this wasn’t the place- far be it for Xzandr to pick out the “right” time and place to bitch at someone, her heart really wasn’t in it. Right now, all she wanted to do was survive detox. ”Oh, what do you know,” she mumbled, opening one eye, then both, and briefly looking for her cane. ”It’s not here! Damn those Borrowers, taking my crap. They also took my drugs, those little bastards.” It was her way of not only making an obscure reference to a movie she’d seen on TV the other night when she couldn’t go back to sleep after waking up at 3AM to puke, but telling Ryan, in the most vague terms possible, that she was quitting- temporarily, at least. If he didn’t pick up on that, fine- then he wouldn’t get pissed when she went right back to taking them once she was free of that little demon.

» Xzandr briefly considered yelling at him, followed by a brief consideration of saying something random, like ‘Hey, my boobs got bigger, wanna feel?’ or ‘I bet I can burp louder than you.’ But, once again, she managed to refrain… in fact, she managed to suck it up- heh heh- and look in his general direction, though at an awkward enough angle to where she could easily be perceived as looking at something else. ”That man is ungodly boring, Ryan. I’m going to kill myself if he starts talking about the sympathetic nervous system. And if he demonstrates its usage, I will kill him. See? This guy is obviously a bad influence- he’s driving me to violence. How obscure is that? I’m seriously tempted to start making fart noises whenever there’s a silence. But the idiot sitting next to me is an asshole. I think they filled up everything else on purpose, like ‘Oh no, Xzandr’s coming, better sit her next to some pious asshole so she dies of boredom, muahahahahaha.’”

[ry]

Considering the last time they’d spoken, Ry wasn’t exactly sure what terms they were currently on. She could be pissed as hell (what else was new) or she could care less about what he did or said (was there a god?). Nevertheless, he wasn’t about to sit around and bore himself to death amongst his peers, and he had to admit, Xzandr could make even the most boring conversations interesting. That still didn’t mean he particularly wanted to hang around long enough to find out what she thought of his cowardly ass. He was just hoping he could get away with an occasional mumble, really, he was much better at listening than at adding to any sort of conversation unless he knew what he was supposed to say. It wasn’t as if she cared what he said anyway, or anyone else for that matter. Ry had found most people talk just to fill silences, not because they had anything important to say. Well, except for doctors with patients, unless they were terminal, and then it was mostly platitudes and apologies. Sometimes promises, but Ry knew those would never be held. Or couldn’t, really. He frowned, and almost rolled his eyes at her statement. Of course, he’d asked a stupid question, what else was new. His lips pressed together, although he didn’t exactly look annoyed. More apprehensive, and more than a bit bored. This would most definitely be the last convention he allowed himself to be forced into, screw the consequences. His hands rested against his slacks, his teeth pressed gently against his bottom lip as he tried to appear cool, collected, and only vaguely interested.

Ryan wasn’t proud of himself, not at all. He knew what he’d done was stupid, and childish, and probably something his mother would have done. What she had done. In a way. In theory anyway. He just couldn’t begin to accept the fact that he could possibly father a child, well, he knew he could, but could he really be a father? The answer was no, plain and simple, bold and bright as day. He would suck. And he couldn’t be certain that he wouldn’t turn out to be exactly the kind of parent his mother had been. He’d rather of had Xzandr go through with the damn abortion than for a child to end up having a parent like that. And he was still clinging selfishly to the idea that it wasn’t his. That he would have somehow escaped fate and had gotten off scot-free. Although for all intents and purposes, he deserved this, if only because he had known what could have happened and hadn’t taken the precautions. Actually, they could both be to blame for that, if you wanted to play the blame game. He still kept silent, his lips a pale shade of pink where his teeth pressed down, but he collected enough information to know that she was off drugs, at least for the moment, and he was vaguely relieved by this, although he’d never let that on. He was sure she’d probably find someone to take offence at his relief, and the last thing he needed to do was give her another reason to want to kick his ass.

For all Ry knew, he was heading to hell. Satan could be taking down his number and setting up his room as he stood, and Ry’d probably deserve it. Wasn’t it a sin? Well, something about the situation was a sin anyway, he was sure of that. He shifted uncomfortably, forcing his gaze to rove around the room as if he genuinely thought this was the most interesting gathering in all of history. Of course, it was nearly impossible to keep up the act, that’s how dreadfully boring the whole affair was. “I think, er, just about everyone here’s a pious asshole, I got stuck next to one too” he said, although he cast a furtive glance around as if he were afraid someone would overhear. You never knew.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» Xzandr didn't often force herself to suppress her tempter- she didn't usually see a point, no matter where she was. Why hold in that anger and let it become, like, a brain tumor or something? No, that wasn't her style. Besides, a calm Xzandr was a boring Xzandr, and she would have none of that. She didn't really care if others were bored with her, if she was bemused, now, that was what mattered to her. Still, right now, she was resisting the urge to strangle Ryan- not only for walking away before, but because she knew, she could feel it, that he wanted to do it again. She wasn't sure why she even cared- after all, she couldn't make him be involved if he didn't want to- theoretically, yes, she could, but that was way too much effort to put in for a man that was obviously not suitable for it, especially since she wasn't even sure she would want to deal with it herself. So, for now, she would remain silent. Still, it irritated her that he would come over to her, and say something, and that she started off on a- she thought- rather amusing rant and he just commented briefly on the guy sitting next to him. With a sigh and a brief head-shake, she dismissed it. It was just Ryan being Ryan- she wasn't going to be able to drag him out of his shell right now, and probably never would. "Kinda guy that acts like ADD is a crime? Sheesh, it's a medical condition, asshole. It has drugs and everything. That's like saying being an old fart is a crime."

» She yawned a little and looked back away, at the people starting to trickle back into the auditorium. "No..." she groaned. She really, really didn't want to go back. Of course, being an “adult”, she knew that sometimes she had to do things she didn’t want to- interact with other human beings, for example. But, still… Could she get away with not going back? It wasn’t like they were taking attendance or anything… Nobody would know she was gone, and even if they did, she was pretty sure they’d be quite happy. Yes, she decided. She would do it- she had to, for her own mental stability. The museum might be boring, but at least she’d have something to look at, besides the back of peoples’ heads, ceiling tiles, and the speaker’s ugly mug. ”Screw that, I’m not going back,” she grumbled, standing up. She took a step toward the nearby hallway… but then stopped and, without looking, shot out one hand and grabbed Ryan’s wrist. ”And neither are you.” If he protested at all, she would let go. But she doubted that he would. ”Don’t worry; I’m not going to club you, drag you back to my cave, and have my way with you. I’m guessing you weight more than 25 pounds, which is pretty much my limit.” She shrugged a little and began to tug him along with her as she headed down the hall. Where she was headed, she didn’t know, but she hoped it would be within (short) sprinting distance of a bathroom.

[ry]

Words had never been a weapon of choice for Ryan. He preferred to listen and most of the time if he said anything at all it was only vaguely articulate. Silence was golden, as far as he was concerned. He didn’t need to muck up the air with words that meant nothing, that were just noise. Because Ry hated noise, he needed something solid, something to cling onto, and most of the times words simply weren’t enough for him. He was on the edge, wanting to leave but horribly afraid he’d be maimed if he tried, and there was a small part of him that didn’t want to leave. What they had, had been fucked up and probably unhealthy, at least for Ry, but he’d liked it while it lasted. She amused him, interested him, and he liked her even if he feared for his safety half the time he was in her company. There were only a handful of times in his life that’ he’d actually liked someone rather than tolerated them. No, he didn’t hate the world with a passion and want them all dead; he just couldn’t find anyone who would be worth the attempt on his part. For some reason, he was getting the feeling that Xzandr had been worth it, was worth it. He was just too scared shitless to do anything about it. Olive eyes watched her carefully, trying to see if she was pissed at him (she was) and if he would possibly have to run for cover anytime soon (he didn’t think he would). Still, even if he didn’t have anything handy to say, he appeared interested (he was). It’d been a long time since he’d heard one of her rants and he was surprised (and slightly scared) to find he had missed them. Definitely not something she needed to know.

Since his back was turned to the crowd, he didn’t see them heading back to the auditorium and his brows furrowed at her seemingly random outburst. Then he followed her gaze and his face fell, a low groan left his lips, his jaw set in something that ghosted on a pout. That was the last place he wanted to be, but with his luck, the Dean would be taking attendance to make sure he didn’t skimp out, although he’d already exchanged pleasantries with the man when he’d arrived, to be on the safe side. He stared glumly at the retreating figures, silently gauging how long he could wait before his entrance would be deemed awkward. It didn’t look like he had long, most of the guests seemed impossibly eager to return to the seminar, a fact that made his stomach churn faintly. God, is this the society he was involved with? Oh god, just kill him now before he turned into one of them. He turned to look back at Xzandr, thinking vaguely of shooting off some comment about lucky her, when she grabbed his wrist. He stiffened for a moment, but followed docilely enough when she began to lead him down the hall. “And I was so worried,” he muttered absently. His eyes shifted continuously from his surroundings back to Xzandr, and then again, like he couldn’t make up his mind. He felt a little stupid, being led around by the sleeve, but he couldn’t find enough resolve to complain.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» "Oh come on," she said, rolling her eyes as she pulled him around a corner and let go of his wrist. "I don't even have anything to club you with. I'm not Madonna, can't stab you through the eye with my boobs of doom. Don't think so. Can I try?" Of course, she was not at all interested in attempting to poke Ryan's eye out with her boob- she knew it would be impossible, and besides that, there was no way she'd get hi to bend over far enough for him to try.

» "I've never skipped anything before," she confessed. Most of the other doctors had Xzandr pegged as the kind of chick that constantly skipped school, or, if she went, constantly cut class. In fact, she was just the opposite. She had perfect attendance her entire scholastic career. If she felt sick, she went to school anyway, throwing up in the bathroom between classes if she had to. If she hadn't done her homework, she'd BS her way through it- the teachers always graded on completion rather than right and wrong anyway- and if she hadn't studied for a test... well, there had to be some good that came out of sitting in the middle of of a bunch of other human beings, right? So she got straight-A's- never once did she claim it was easy, or fair how she attained such scholastic excellence. In short, according to Xzandr, skipping class was not okay, but cheating in said class was. Of course, once she got to med school she didn't cheat- "If you can't pass med school of your own volition, why the hell should any patient trust you?".

» Sitting down on a nearby bench, she reached down toward a pocket that wasn't there, as if grabbing for a medicine bottle which also wasn't there. "Damn it," she mumbled. It was a reflexive movement. She'd probably have it with her for a good long time, and hoped it wouldn't be obvious to people that would care. The silence was deafening- cliche, sure, but that was the only way to describe it. She needed to converse- not really because she liked conversation, but because she hated silence. If she was alone in the silence, she'd turn on some music, or do something loud and obnoxious to get someone else to yell at her- not the most savory form of noise, but it was better than nothing. For the first time in a really long time, she was at a loss for words. She knew she should probably say something- but what was that? After taking a moment, looking away, she looked back at Ryan. "It has a penis." She wasn't sure why she'd bothered telling him, except maybe that she was working under the assumption that he'd figured out that she had lied to him- of course it was his; maybe he didn't know it, but he was the only man she had ever fucked. She wouldn't tell him that, though- it was definitely none of his business who all she'd fucked. Was she asking him that? No. Would she ever? No. Unless she wanted to have an orgy with all of them- which would never happen.

[ry]

Ry stared at her almost petulantly as she let him go. Well, he knew that, but still, he wasn’t exactly the safest person on earth considering the circumstances. His lips twisted into a crooked smile at her rant but turned to a frown as his brows furrowed. Like hell he was having his eye poked out with a boob. Not that he believed she would, but the idea was repulsing enough. As usual, he didn’t respond, letting his facial features portray his desired reaction. Besides, it wasn’t as if he had some stunning, awesomely amazing comeback for that, serious or not.

“Me either,” he responded, more for the sake of conversation than for his desire for her to know. It was especially true during his earlier education, although it probably had more to do with the fact that he’d be damned if he was going to stay at home in the apartment with his mother when a perfectly legal escape was staring him right in the face. After that, well, he hadn’t wanted to disappoint Alex so he’d continued going to school like a good little boy. It paid off in the end, after all. Education really hadn’t interested him though, sure he enjoyed being a good student and the learning material was easy enough, it was just he didn’t see a point. Why waste his life studying for stuff he’d never use? That logic had lasted until med school where he’d thrown his entire life into studying and making sure, he knew his stuff. He wasn’t about to waste someone’s life because he’d been too lazy to look at a particular textbook page they’d been assigned for class. Although he’d probably picked a sucky specialty for trying to keep everyone alive, even the brightest doctor in the world couldn’t fight off cancer if it was too severe.

With nothing better to do but watch, Ry shoved his hands into his slacks pockets, looking politely disinterested at whatever it was Xzandr was doing. His olive eyes turned to the ceiling and he was disappointed to see that it was exactly the same as in the auditorium. So much for finding something else to do. While Ry loved the silence, he hated awkward silences. No sound was good unless it felt as if something should be said, and then it made him tense. It was made worse by the vague feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach that seemed just soft enough to make him aware of it, but plenty sharp enough to make him feel uneasy. What the hell could he say, when he knew, even if she wouldn’t really tell him, that the child was his? If she didn’t tell him, why should he insist she let him be a part of it? He was probably the worst material for fatherhood in the history of father’s, House included. Why would she want a man like him around her future child? He honestly couldn’t think of a reason, other than she’d probably think child support was nice. His head snapped back toward her so fast he thought for a moment he’d gotten whiplash. With a slight hint of disappointment, he realized he hadn’t. He stared at her, processing the words, crude as they were, taking them for what they were and his heart clenched just a little. “Oh,” he said, his voice soft but his tone hesitant, almost scared. He swallowed, forcing himself to continue looking at her, fighting the urge to look away and let it drop. “I know it’s mine,” he said, unnecessarily. She probably knew he knew that, but it was all he could think of to say.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» Xzandr was pretty well known to BS things to get people to go away. Sometimes it was one of the interns she was forced to attempt to mold into something hospital-worthy- to get them to go away she would tell them that they were doing everything wrong and to go consult someone else. That, of course, wasn't all cruelty- part of it was wanting them to solve their own damn problems, and not rely on someone constantly telling them what a good job they were doing. That was life- sometimes, most of the time, a person would have to motivate themselves to do well, and there would not be someone to say, "Hey that's great. You're doing great." It was, as she would claim- tough love. Though, of course, most of the reason behind it was her antisocial nature. In the case of everyone else, it was purely her need to be hermit-esque; no lesson or good intentions behind it. She'd told Ryan, in a vague way, that it wasn't his because she knew he'd seize the opportunity to bolt. She also knew he'd probably figure out it was a lie. She kind of hoped that he wouldn't catch on until it was too late, but oh well. She kinda sat there for a second and looked away so he couldn't see her sly smile. "I never said it wasn't. If you had been listening closely, I said that I never said it was, which by default means I never said it wasn't, therefore, I have not lied." Not like that absolved her of all guilt, but she felt like pointing that tidbit out. It made her feel smart.

» She shrugged a little. It didn't matter. "This isn't weird at all..." She had to laugh a little at the irony. Wasn't it she herself that said, the first day they started fucking, that things didn't have to be complicated? Well, this definitely was a complication. Strangely, it reminded her of Austin Powers, the second movie when it did a flashback to the relationship between Frau and Dr. Evil... Of course, she wouldn't tell Ryan that- somehow, she knew the humor would be lost on him. With a sigh, she looked back at him.

» "Well, what shall we do then, with this lack of old fart rambling?" she asked innocently, with as much of a "sweet" smile as she could muster. Even though she knew that there was no possible way for anyone to be amused or at the very least occupied every second of every day, she had this insuppressible urge to try to do exactly that. She was enough of a bitch as it were, but when she was bored, and couldn't quickly find a way to occupy herself, watch out! Of course, it was, as far as she could tell, a rhetorical question; for one, she knew what she wanted to do- for some reason she had yet to figure out, it seemed like every day at some point or another, she felt out-of-control horny, and there was nothing she could do about it- and for another thing, she doubted Ryan would answer. If she were to count word-for-word what all words had been exchanged between them the entire time they'd known each other, she assumed she would have at least 90% of the total word volume. That was fine, she loved to talk- though she really wished he would talk a little more.

[ry]

Ry was one of the lucky doctors that hadn’t been saddled with the burden of interns and he always tried to stay clear of them if he could help it. It wasn’t that he didn’t have a fountain of wisdom to spout to them, it was just he didn’t see the need. They should be learning through their own experiences rather than by the words, he chose to throw at them. And anyway, he’d never been all that good at explaining things anyway. He wasn’t going to be responsible for a bunch of young doctors going around murdering patients all because they’d listened to him a little too much. Not that he murdered his patients, he just figured they’d somehow twist his words and then he’d be in for a mess of trouble. Plus, young people annoyed him. In a way, he was almost grateful to Xzandr for giving him an out, even if he was sort of disgusted with himself for taking it, at least briefly. He had no idea what he would have done if they’d been forced to discuss the situation then, the idea terrified Ry even now. He sure as hell didn’t want to make a full out of himself by fainting doing something equally stupid. Ry shifted again, feeling uneasy and anxious. He was just waiting for someone to notice he was gone and come to drag him back, or worse, Xzandr would insist they discuss the options. The thought made him shudder, even if he already felt more than enough like a deadbeat. “I never said you lied,” he responded, his words limp as if he really didn’t care if she heard them or not. It wasn’t her fault he’d taken the words and twisted them, and then had run off to avoid the consequences.

He bit down on his lower lip, shrugging in turn and releasing a small sigh. Oh, ho, not awkward at all. “Not in the least,” he muttered, although his words lacked any real conviction. He had a feeling she’d beat his ass by the time this meeting was over if he didn’t get his conversation drive fixed or something. There was a little bit of petulance at the back of his mind and he wanted just a little bit, to point out the fact that she’d promised him it was no strings attached. Then again, he loved having full use of his appendages and wasn’t about to change that anytime soon just because he felt like being a jerk.

His slick black shoes left scuffmarks on the tile as he shuffled his feet absently back and forth. He felt like he was back at the orphanage, being called to the headmaster’s office. And that was so, totally, not the appropriate feeling for this current situation. He shrugged again, feeling like an ass for his inability to continue on a simple conversation. She might as well be talking to the walls, for as much as he was helping the conversation along. For some reason it left him tingling with guilt and he just wanted to escape. She had to realize he was just one big letdown after another, she just had to. If he was her, he’d want her nowhere near his child. Not even within fifty miles. Hell, he’d take out a restraining order, that’s how bad a father Ry foresaw himself to be. He probably should tell her that, to avoid expectations getting crushed or something. But if he told her, she might ask why he felt that way, and there were only a handful (two) of people that Ry had ever told about his mother. It just wasn’t something he felt he should share, or really anything somebody would care about.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» "Buzzkill," Xzandr mumbled under her breath, looking back away. Seriously, Ryan wasn't her favorite person in the world. If it helps with the visualization, she would rather have been conversing with her father right now- and they hate each other, and would probably be trying to kill each other. But at least he would say something besides "Oh" and whatever else Ryan said that just went in one of her ears and out the other. He had no personality- dry as could be, and way too squirrelly. She was half-tempted to ask him if he needed help finding nuts and stuff for him to store for winter, but refrained- such a thing would probably worsen the situation and make him not talk at all, or worse, just walk away. She had to do something, because if she couldn't get him to lighten up now, would she ever be able to converse with him again?

» The thought of never speaking to Ryan again kind of sucked, for Xzandr. If nothing else, he was a risk-free human-based object for her to rant at, without fear of being fired or having something chucked at her head. Besides, she could tell- if only for a split second each time- he was amused by some things she did, which was more than she could say for anyone else. Still, she'd made the decision- if they parted today without really talking, or making any decisions, she would go out of her way to avoid him. If he wasn't stepping up, he was stepping out, because as far as she was concerned, doing nothing meant he did not want to be involved at all, or wasn't willing to put forth effort; which led to the conclusion that anything the was worth it was worth putting in effort for, and without him putting forth said effort, being involved wasn't worth it. If she knew Ryan at all- like she kind of assumed she did- he would do one or the other, rather than intermittently changing. If he didn't get involved at all, it would sting Xzandr- mainly because he probably didn't know how much it would sting.

» She shifted uncomfortably, briefly considering breaking something. She often reflected on how much life sucked for her- without her drugs, the only thing that would dull the pain in her leg was laying still. If she laid still too long, the demon would start 'freaking out' and go berserk on her. So then she would have to get up and walk around, which not only hurt her leg, but didn't help the demon calm down at all. She figured it was probably a really bad time to start detoxing- which, in itself sucked ass, especially in the first week when she was shaking all the time and puking constantly; lapse in judgment on her part- but wasn't going to go back on it now. If she started taking drugs now, again, someone would make her get off of them, and there was no way in hell she was going to repeat that first week again. She would rather kill herself.

» Suddenly, an idea occurred to her- something she could do that would either freak Ryan out to the point where he would run away screaming ("RAPE!! RAPE!!!"), or be forced into conversation. A sly grin found its way to her lips, but instantly, she frowned gain; couldn't give it away that she was plotting silently, or Ryan would have warning, and it wouldn't work. Slowly, she stood up, walked up to within a couple steps of Ryan, and partially turned around, creating the illusion that she was checking out the nearby artwork. Then, without warning, she turned on her leg- bad idea, as it started aching something terrible, but she suppressed the urge to break Ryan's face- all but jumped the gap between them, and wrapped both arms around him. "Drugs are for friends, hugs are for addicts!" she half-shouted, then, dropping one hand, gave his ass a squeeze before letting him go, turning around, and dashing down the hall. She wasn't trying to hide from him so much as she was trying to get him to chase. At the very least, it would amuse her- maybe something else good would come out of it.

[ry]

Ryan almost felt his lips twitch upward in answer, but he stilled the motion. Sometimes he forgot that other people actually expected him to act human. Sure, he went through the motions as best he could, and he honestly tried half the time, but there were some moments when all he could think was, what’s the point? If he really wanted to take the easy way out, he could blame his mother for all his social problems, blame her for not always being the social butterfly he might have been, or for the certain way he backed away from commitment as if it was some deadly disease. Of course, he could blame himself, for not attempting to fix himself after Julie died, not recognizing the fact that he was broken until it was too late. Unease pushed at him and the words pressed against his lips but he couldn’t say them, because what if he said the wrong thing and Xzandr was gone? Not that it seemed as if she was planning to stick around anyway, with the way he was behaving. Honestly, he used to be normal; there was a point in his life where he’d actually been able to hold a conversation, and he couldn’t help but think if this had happened a few years earlier he’d have an easier time stepping up to the plate.

Ever since he’d finally forced himself to accept that, the child was his, there was a constant fear hovering around the edge of his consciousness, threatening to break through and turn in to full blown terror. He was teetering on the edge of that now, responsibility conflicting with his inability to buckle down. He couldn’t decide what he wanted. On one hand, the thought of being a parent was terrifying, but on the other, he knew deep down that he absolutely did not, ever, want to turn out like his mother. And once he thought about it, refusing to take part would be just as bad as what his mother had done to him. He wasn’t sure if Xzandr would actually keep the child, but on the off chance she wouldn’t, Ry couldn’t stand to think the child would be put up for adoption. Sure, the orphanage hadn’t been all that bad when Ry had stayed, but it certainly hadn’t been the best time of his life.

While he let the silence sink in (because really, was there anything different about this silence?) he tried to think of all the possible moments that were about as awkward as this one. He was surprised to find he could think a few, and was slightly disconcerted, certainly, his life wasn’t that uncomfortable. On further reflection, it was. Ry had never considered the idea of kids. He’d never come to rest upon the subject on his own, and Julie had never brought it up. He’d always thought he’d be one of those old men who died alone because he’d never proposed to that one girlfriend and whose endless nights with hookers never really resulted in anything tangible. To be honest, that scenario had never scared him; it was just something that he’d always considered inevitable. Guys like Ryan never became fathers, or at least they shouldn’t.

Ryan was just about to try counting the tiles on the ceiling again, perhaps they’d changed in the ten minutes he’d pried his eyes from them. It was worth a try, even if he’d probably piss Xzandr off even more. That probably wasn’t even possible anymore, he mused, a sinking feeling in his gut. If he were her right now, he’d hate him too. He caught her movement out of his peripheral vision, but figured she’d had enough of his shit and was getting out. Or just looking at some painting. Either way, he was pretty sure she was done with him. Which is probably why her next move surprised him so much. Ryan had been hugged a grand total of two times in his entire life, and he wasn’t overly fond of the sensation, something about it making panic curl around his chest for just the faintest of moments. But he was too surprised to do anything other than emit a soft gasp. Followed by another one, mostly of indignation, when she copped a feel. He stared dumbly at her for a moment, torn between wanting to leave and wanting to follow. In the end, following won out and he sprinted down the corridor after her, deciding that for once he was going to grow up (possibly by doing the totally ungrown up thing and chasing after her.)

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» Xzandr didn't stick around long enough t see Ryan's reaction, or his facial expression; didn't want to see what he looked like. Not necessarily because she cared or anything, but because she was afraid of seeing an expression that said he didn't like it, or that he wouldn't follow. And for the first few seconds, she was sure he wouldn't follow her- and she was ready to give up. Certainly something of that caliber would spark some sort of response, and if not, well, he was a hopeless cause and she probably ought to just give up to preserve herself. But then she heard more footsteps behind her and knew they could only be Ryan's- and that made her smile. She stopped at a "T"-shaped hallway, and after only a second's pause, decided to go left. She knew she wouldn't be able to run much longer, mostly because of her leg, and she was all but certain that she would have to piss again in a matter of seconds. After a quick glance over her shoulder and not seeing Ryan there yet, she took another sharp left, ending up in the 'war room'- a fairly large room with a large section for each American war, starting with the Revolutionary War, all the way up to the current one.

» Xzandr didn't much care to hear about wars- not that she disapproved of senseless violence and deaths of thousands- millions?- of people, it just tied in with her hatred of all things in history not medically relevant. The only reason she was in the room was because it was available. It was the first one she reached, the first one she could hide in. But, technically, she wasn't hiding, because she actually wanted[/] Ryan to find her. Even if he walked past, he would probably end up doubling back to find her. She knew he was pretty smart, which was part of the reason she didn't actually try to hide- the effort would have been a waste of time, and besides, there were no places to hide. She was tempted to run out in the hall, wait until she heard Ryan coming, and moon him, but figured that was a little bit over the top, even by her standards. So, she opted for the next best thing. She walked over to a stand in the middle of the room, walked behind it, and crouched down with her back against the stand. She twitched a little, close to laughing, and clamped one hand over her mouth. If she laughed, it would give away her position immediately, and what fun would that be? But soon, she just couldn't help it, and gave up trying. "Bahahahahaha!" She just barely managed to keep herself from flopping over. She wasn't sure why it struck her as so funny, but it did.

[ry]

Ryan wasn’t normally one to follow, in any circumstance. He preferred to go off on his own, with the same general idea as everybody else, but in a way that completely separated him from them. He didn’t trust anyone enough to follow faithfully, like an abandoned puppy dog or something equally pathetic. But for this moment, when following wasn’t so much following as it was chasing, and chasing, yeah, he could do that. And he didn’t mind that much at all. Ry didn’t normally run around, hell, he hardly broke into anything but a brisk walk unless his pager and the ER demanded otherwise, but he wasn’t out of shape. Still, it wasn’t as if he was going to run on forever, or more like he wouldn’t be able to, and his olive eyes swept insistently across the path ahead of him, searching for a glimpse that might tell him where she was heading. He can hear her footsteps, over the soft sound of his breath as he inhales and his heart that pounds just faint of deafening. Yeah, in shape indeed. Still, he pushes himself forward, his steps slowing when he comes to a t in the hallway, and finally skitters to a stop. His head swivels, looking in one direction and then the next, fifty fifty shot at picking the right one and he frowns with the weight of it. Left or right, for a moment he can’t decide before he shakes his head and heads left.

He’s only mildly surprised to find he’s ended up in the war room, and he’s not sure whether it’s an ironic coincidence, or a sigh. He hopes for the former. He prickles at the room, all the weapons displayed like trophies on the walls and in cases and he tries not to think too hard about the fact that some of them might have actually been used in battle. He edged toward the middle of the room, his eyes drawn to the walls even though the sharp edges of the swords make his stomach turn. His hands rested loosely at his sides and his ears strained to hear any sounds in the room. For some reason he knew she was in here, whether it was just because he was trying to convince himself or because he just genuinely knew. He could run around the room, looking for her, but he much liked the idea of just waiting for her to show herself better. He blew out a breath, ready to abandon his certainty and head to the next room, perhaps she was in there. Unfortunately, she chose that moment to yell and he nearly jumped out of his skin, his heart hammering away in his chest. He swiveled on his heel and pointed a glare at her that didn’t quite reach the corners of his mouth as they lifted. Maybe one day he’d tell her that loud noises and him didn’t mix, but that day wasn’t now. “Nice one,” he said, his tone almost grudging.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» She bit her lower lip, gradually slowing her laughter. It wasn't funny at all- even her sick, twisted mind could find not a single reason why running away and being found in the war room would be funny. There was no irony in her being in such a room- she never had any connections to the military, unless maybe a distant relative of hers was in World War Two or something, and she herself had never been involved in such a thing. She had never even played Medal Of Honor, or War (the card game.) She'd never had an interest in knowing about war. The room was merely one of convenience. "Oh my God. I don't know why that was so funny," she half-mumbled, finally managing to stop laughing and breathe. "I was aiming for something a little more fun, but these idiots obviously didn't put in a room full of..." She paused for a long moment, looked away, then glared at the wall and looked back at Ryan. "Shit, I got nothing." She couldn't think of something funny to say? She could not think... Wow.

» Xzandr shifted and made a failed attempt to stand up before giving up and surrendering to gravity, allowing her ass to hit the floor. "Well you might as well sit down, because I'm not getting up anytime soon, and I really don't feel like staring up your nose any more. I don't know how dentists... Denti? What is the plural of dentist? Is it dentists or denti? Any way, I am not one, and therefore have not had to stare into peoples' noses all day, and don't really feel like doing that now." She made a rather demanding gesture suggesting to Ryan that he sit down, and almost reached for her cane, but realized it wasn't there and that she couldn't use it to herd him. In fact, if her cane was there, she would be standing up right now- without it, she had nothing to grab onto to brace against the stand and hoist herself upwards, unless she wanted to grab the stand itself, thereby setting off the motion sensor, calling security, and giving away that she and Ryan had skipped the meeting, which would then land them both in hot water.... She would rather just sit there.

» She knew full well that there must be hundreds of questions floating around in Ryan's mind, and she had an answer prepared for each one she foresaw coming. Of course, there were infinite possibilities, and she hadn't thought of every single one- a question to which she had no answer might catch her off guard, but she doubted it would show. She could easily bullshit her way through just about anything. Yawning a little, she glanced Ryan over, wondering when or what he would say, ask, do... anything. She wasn't just going to bust out with answers to questions he hadn't asked; she wasn't telling him shit unless she had to.