impossible to find

[anaxzandra corinne house]

this is not what i intended
^{I ALWAYS SWORE TO YOU I'D NEVER FALL APART}

» Xzandr was so... not fucked up? Was this possible? Change was never something she dealt with well. If one little thing in her life changed, she usually reacted and stopped it immediately- usually violently. But so much had changed in such a short time that she gave up trying to stop it and just kind of let it happen- with some bitching about it, of course. Some things hadn't changed at all, while others changed drastically. She was no longer taking Vicodin, and no, detoxing was no better the second time around. God, that had sucked more than a hooker on a Friday night. All the puking, shaking... It was nowhere near voluntary. Hell, if she'd had her way there would never have been a second detox. Her father, if that he could be called, had refused to give her any, and she had been incapacitated at the time, so it wasn't like she could have gotten it herself... But anyway, that was how she started detoxing, and afterward she just couldn't get any. Damn that new pharmacist and her inability to intimidate him without getting security called... She would break him in eventually.

» She hadn't spoken to Ryan at all since their last meeting, when she got him high- which she would swear up and down he got himself high and she just supplied the weed- and fucked him before running away. The last words spoken between them? "Meaningless... like always, right?" She had always suspected everything they'd ever done together was meaningless to him. And for her, well, it was complicated. At first, yes, completely meaningless. Elevator, definitely meaningless, even though it was the very first time for her- ever. And it continued being meaningless for a long-ass time. She wasn't even sure when she started not being so sure it was totally meaningless, but... Whatever. In any case, she was sure he'd heard about how she tried once again to overdose on Vico, whether through being told by some random person, overhearing a conversation, or by going through charts. That was part of the reason she had been avoiding him- didn't want to deal with explaining to him. He didn't deserve an explanation, did he? No note this time; she was sure she'd already very much made her point that he was an irresponsible asshole. She supposed that maybe telling him she actually managed to give their her kid a name would have been nice, and telling Ryan that little Felix would be coming home soon- today, actually- would have been an excellent idea, but of course she did no such thing. She didn't think he would be interested, in any case. And even if he was, why initiate a conversation for the sole purpose of giving him two little tidbits of information? It would be pointless. Earlier, before she went to go pick Felix up, Xzandr was working on her latest mystery and solved it, only to find that there was nothing she could do for the guy. She had diagnosed cancer, and so had to hand the case file off to someone who specialized in it. Ryan, of course! There were plenty of oncologists in the hospital she didn't hate, but his office was closest, and she was lazy, so she slipped the manila folder containing the patient's file under his door and walked off, not realizing she'd forgotten the sheet with the patient's allergies and other such vital information.

» At five and a half months old, her baby, who she named Felix because she read that as a hurricane name on the back of a cereal box and liked it, was finally ready to come home. Xzandr honestly never believed he was going to survive. He had been so impossibly early that she was convinced one complication or another would do him in. But the little guy was a fighter. Xzandr was totally unprepared when, a week ago, one of the NICU doctors told her she could take him home soon. Now she was ready- physically, not completely mentally- and so was he. But why would she go home already? She was scheduled to be here, so she would stay. Technically, her office was her home- a home away from home, if you will. The kid would see a lot of it, if he managed to keep surviving. She'd be damned if she ever left him with someone else.

» With the carrier in one hand and cane in the other, she hobbled down the hallway up to her office door, set the carrier down, and fished the keys out of her lab coat pocket. She hated wearing the damn thing, but needed the pockets for carrying the keys, as neither her "My Boss Is An Asshole" shirt nor her dark red scrub bottoms had pockets. Plus, she'd been told she had to wear it today- some political crap, she was sure. She opened the door again, pocketed the keys, and went inside, pulled the curtains on the windows and door shut, and set the carrier on her desk with the front facing her chair, which she then sat in and stared the baby down. "Well," she started, "You're not so intimidating. I don't know what everyone complains so much about..." Oh, just wait until she had to stay up with him all night- not so bad would change to take him the fuck away! in a heartbeat. Felix yawned and squeaked, which brought a small smile to Xzandr's lips. "Yeah, me too," she sighed, scooping him up. She placed the carrier on the floor, along with the orange bag containing absolutely nothing but she would fill with emergency supplies (diapers, bottles, etc.) eventually. Pulling the green baby blanket out of the carrier, she held Felix belly-down on her chest, his head on her shoulder, where he fell asleep quickly after she put the blanket over him. Yawning herself, Xzandr put her legs up on the desk, leaned the chair back, and started drifting off.

» But a little while later, just before Xzandr fell completely asleep, she heard the door opening, and sighed heavily. "Unless someone is going to die in the next ten minutes because I do nothing, I don't want to hear it." She didn't even bother to open her eyes to see who it was. She didn't care. She wanted to catch up on some of the sleep she knew she'd be losing tonight, and even she had to admit the kid was fuckin' adorable when he was asleep.

tag; Ryan
status; Finished
outfit, etc.; click

[ry]

A large yawn cracked his jaw as he stirred into wakefulness, several joints protesting at his choice of sleeping arrangement. Warily, Ry opened his eyes, blinking against the soft glow of his desk lamp. He’d fallen asleep in his office, again. It was the fourth time in five days and he was beginning to wonder if he even needed his apartment anymore. If he wasn’t at the hospital, he was out doing anything. And nothing. Sometimes he just walked. Other times he found a secluded part of a nearby park and sat for hours. But he didn’t go home other than to shower and collect his clothes, and sometimes he just took advantage of the staff shower rooms. It wasn’t that he had an aversion to going home, he liked his apartment well enough, he was still paying the rent after all, but everytime he stepped across the threshold he felt antsy, restless and he was beginning to realize he felt more at home at the hospital then he did in his supposed living quarters. It didn’t matter anyway, he had an increasingly heavy caseload, in fact, a few files were spread across his desk, different cases mixing together in a blur of details that his sleep addled mind couldn’t make out quite yet. He pressed a hand to the bridge of his nose, willing the slight ache behind his eyes to go away. He’d always been somewhat of a workaholic, but these hours lately were really wearing on him. If he were smart, he’d understand he was throwing himself into his work to get away from his interpersonal relationship problems – or lack thereof. But, oblivious as ever, he just figured he might as well earn his paycheck and pick up the slack around the department.

He shifted and his leather chair squeaked. It was not the most comfortable place to sleep, he reflected, gingerly sliding his legs from off the corner of the desk and to the floor where he wiggled his sock covered feet to get the feeling back. A glance at the clock perched on the corner of his desk told him he’d slept way past the acceptable time. It was still early but he had so much work to do. He frowned moodily at the piles of papers on his desk; trying to remember which cases he’d signed off on and which one still needed a final look over. He ran a hand across the nape of his neck, trying to feel overwhelmed at the multitude of things he still had to complete. At least he had his work though; he couldn’t imagine how stir crazy he’d be going if he’d had to deal with all the crap in his life without this to distract him. Although, perhaps it was doing a bit too much of a good job with the distractions. He hadn’t spoken with Xzandr in…well, since that incident. Not that he didn’t want to. Well, he didn’t, because he was a coward, but it wasn’t as if he went out of his way to avoid her. He’d been busy. So busy he hadn’t even been able to stop by the NICU to see if that kid was still alive. He couldn’t bring himself to call it his. Because really, was it? He just donated a few genes and such. Xzandr had made it clear she didn’t want him to have anything to do with it. Although he assumed she’d at least tell him if the child ended up dying. It was only polite.

A low groan left his lips and he wondered if he was prematurely aging. Because, my god, was his back supposed to creak like that. He pushed himself up from his chair to stretch and turned toward the door, his gaze lighting on a manila folder. Most people would knock. He could only guess who’d slipped it under there. His heart gave a little skip and he frowned in annoyance, bending over to pick up the offending file and winced as he straightened. He definitely had to make sure he at least made it to the break room before he passed out next time. Chair sleeping, definitely not a good idea. His eyes flicked over the chart, already mentally reviewing treatment options and the prognosis. Such were the dangers of being an oncologist. Most of his patients either died or were on their way. He flipped the page and sighed, she’d left the allergies and such tucked in. He’d have to give it back. And he was so not looking forward to a trip into her lair.

He’d meant to go and talk to her about her second attempted suicide or overdose, or whatever she was calling it but honestly? He didn’t want to get close. Call him a callous cold bastard, go ahead, he wouldn’t mind, but it’d be partially true. After his childhood, well he didn’t have much mind for relationships of any real matter. Sure, he hated that Xzandr thought he was a worthless piece of shit but whom would he be to deny that accusation. The only thing he was good at was his job and even then, he wasn’t the best. He was one of those mediocre guys that no one noticed, and he probably should get to her office before he really got started on the pity party. He stared at the door for a little while, as if waiting for his legs to get the memo and start walking. Honestly, Xzandr wasn’t that bad. He’d taken worse verbal abuse from his mother, and that wasn’t even the only kind. Still, she was particularly prickly in nature and Ry had learned the hard way to stay away from that, even if a part of him really, really didn’t want to. Ah, fuck it. He strode across the room and pulled open the door, running a hand through his hair to make sure his bed – or more accurately, chair head – wasn’t terribly deplorable before starting off down the hall toward the office he really shouldn’t know by heart. He clutched the file in his hand, wondering if she’d done that deliberately. And then cast the idea aside. As if she wanted to see him. If he weren’t so confused about everything concerning her at the moment, he might have found that idea amusing, but as it were, he didn’t.

Before he knew it he was at her door. And immediately wished he wasn’t. What else was new, really. He steeled himself before pushing the door open, a bit surprised it wasn’t locked. He winced, half considering turning around and leaving, just dropping the file to the floor so he wasn’t tempted to fuck things up even more. “Er, you left this in my office…which is nice and all, but I figured you’d need some of this stuff,” he said, his voice a bit calmer than he felt himself. He stepped further into the room, mindful of fire breathing dragons in the shape of an enraged Xzandr but stopped dead when he could see her in all her not-quite-so-firebreathing glory. “Oh.” It was more of an exhalation, his brow furrowed as he tried to swallow. A kid. Their kid. It. He was alive, most obviously, and out of the NICU. But alive.

[anaxzandra corinne house]

» Xzandr had given up on Ryan, for the most part. He had hurt her in ways that he would never know- because she would never tell him. She masked it to make it look as though she were just pissed off at him. Whenever she passed by him in the hall- which actually happened quite a bit, considering they worked in such proximity to each other- she wouldn't even look at him. Why? It hurt. It hurt a lot. But she could never say it, never show it. Everyone, without exception- she was pretty sure of that- knew her as one who was unbreakable, so how could the unbreakable have a breaking heart? It took a while for her to actually get to where she could pass him in the hall without her heart sinking, but once she passed that hump, she actually felt relieved, more reasonable. He obviously didn't care, so why should she? There was no use trying to hang on to someone who didn't want to hang back.

» That tidbit made it all the weirder that, when she heard Ryan's voice, a small smile actually crept its way onto her lips. If nothing else, one would expect her to completely ignore him- or fly off the handle at him. Or shove something up his ass. But no. She didn't. She simply smiled, opened one eye, and then both. "Oh," she echoed, sliding her legs off the desk and holding Felix close to her with both hands, making sure he didn't fall or anything. "Guess you'd need that, wouldn't you?" How had she forgotten such a thing? Damn, getting the kid out of the hospital finally- or, well, out of the NICU- was really messing with her head. "Sorry, my mind's all out there today..." She stood, and made an attempt to make sense of the cess pool that was the top of her desk. "Huh. Where the f-... Where is it?" What was this, now? Xzandr didn't watch her mouth for anyone. She'd lost tons of money for the hospital by swearing in front of- and at- people who were considering making donations. It pissed off some of the higher-ups, and it was a wonder Xzandr even still worked here, the way she behaved. It tycoons such as that couldn't water her down, how did Felix?

» She shuffled Felix so she was holding him in the crook of one arm, using her free hand to move the carrier beside her chair so she could actually see more of her desk top. Then she set Felix- surprisingly gently- into the carrier, so she could have both hands free. "What was the name on that? I know it's around here somewhere..." She took a clump of papers and started shuffling through them, expression quizzical. Nope, none of those... She pushed aside some other papers and straightened out the stack in her hand, thus creating a "looked through" pile. She began over again with another clump, repeating the process a few times before finally finding a lonely piece of paper with allergies on it, that didn't seem to have a match with any of the other papers. She didn't recognize the name on it, but then again, that was true for many of the papers on her desk. She never saw a point to knowing the patient's name. "This it?" She extended her arm across the desk, holding the paper out toward Ryan. But just as the paper left her hand and went to Ryan's, Felix started fussing. Damn, the little guy liked to be held.

» "Oh, sweetie," she mumbled, picking him up and bouncing him gently in her arms. "Shh, shh, it's okay..." He seemed to calm as she rocked him, which kept her smiling. God, she couldn't deny she loved the little guy now. He was just too sweet... One would expect Xzandr to be a horrible mother- yelling at the kid for crying or making any noise, that kind of thing. She was surprisingly calm and sweet toward her child, and it shocked even her, but hey- being pissed at everything took way too much energy.